https://mega.nz/file/XugHHRIL#jNn7sZ3PcuUpZTdKsE5M7t5chM6Zh-6_G_RBmc1Yhes
My name is Khalid, I’m 38, and I deliver food on a motorcycle in Jeddah. Twelve hours a day, breathing exhaust, my balls sweating in this helmet, just to make enough to send a little back to my mother in Buraidah. The app controls my life, my income, my every movement. I’m a ghost on a bike, a faceless delivery unit. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would even notice if I just drove into the Red Sea. The voices started three months ago. At first, it was just comments on my driving. “Look at this idiot, can’t even stay in his lane,” they’d say, sounding like my old supervisor from the warehouse I got fired from. I thought I was just tired, hearing things. But then they got personal, and they never, ever leave me alone now.
They call me a worthless piece of shit, a failed man. “Khalid the delivery boy,” they mock when I’m waiting for an order at some fancy restaurant, watching rich Saudis come out in their crisp white thobes. “Still thinks he’s a man? You’re a servant on a motorcycle, a dog with a license to fetch food for your betters.” They know my deepest shame: that I’m unemployed, technically, doing this gig work because no one will hire a 38-year-old failure. They know my father died disappointed in me. “Your father is rotting in his grave because of you, you useless fuck,” they whisper when I’m trying to pray. “He had a real job, a trade. You have a smartphone and a death wish. Do everyone a favor and just crash that bike into a wall at 80 kph. We’ll even cheer.” The General Intelligence Presidency – the Al Mukhabarat Al A’amah – that’s who it has to be. They have ways of getting inside your head, new psychological weapons they test on people like me, people with no power, no one to complain to.
I can’t tell anyone. My mother would have a heart attack from the shame. My friends would think I’m insane, possessed by a jinn. The government would lock me up in some psychiatric ward where they’d drug me until I was a vegetable. I’ve seen it happen. I saw a post on Twitter once from a guy in Riyadh who said he was hearing voices, and within an hour, the comments were flooded with accounts calling him a schizo, a liar, an attention-seeker. It’s a system. They make you look crazy so no one will believe the truth. They have an army of trolls ready to destroy anyone who speaks up. So I suffer in silence, smiling at customers while the voices scream that I should slit their throats and take their wallets.
When a woman answers the door, they immediately start in. “Look at that, Khalid. She wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire. But you’re staring at her ass like the perverted dog you are. Bet you go home and jerk off thinking about the rich girls you deliver to, don’t you? Pathetic. You’re not even a man, you’re just a walking dildo with no one to fuck.” They describe in graphic detail how I’ll die alone, how no woman would ever touch me unless I paid her, and even then she’d be disgusted. They make me feel like my own body is disgusting, like my desires are proof of what a worthless creep I am. It’s relentless. They don’t stop.
Last Tuesday, something changed. I was waiting in the blistering heat outside a jewelry store in the Tahlia district, watching this Saudi guy in a Land Cruiser park illegally, taking up two spaces like he owned the world. The voices suddenly got… intense. Not just mocking, but excited. “LOOK AT HIM,” they roared, inside my head. “THAT FUCKER. HE HAS EVERYTHING AND YOU HAVE NOTHING. HE WOULD LET YOU DIE OF HEATSTROKE OUTSIDE HIS STORE AND NOT EVEN NOTICE.” My heart started pounding. My hands were shaking on the handlebars. “PULL OUT YOUR PHONE,” they commanded. “RECORD HIM. NO, BETTER. GRAB THE HEAVY LOCK FROM YOUR BIKE. WALK OVER THERE. SMASH HIS WINDOW. REACH IN AND GRAB HIS STUPID EXPENSIVE WATCH. SEE THE FEAR IN HIS EYES. FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE, BE THE ONE IN CONTROL.” I felt this surge of pure, hot rage. It felt good. Powerful. I actually started to get off the bike. “DO IT, YOU COWARDLY PIECE OF SHIT!” they screamed. “SHOW HIM WHAT A DESPERATE MAN CAN DO! BREAK HIS FACE! TAKE HIS CAR! BURN IT ALL!” I was standing there, lock in my hand, walking towards his car. He was still inside, fiddling with his phone. The voices were chanting, “NOW! NOW! NOW!” Then a horn honked behind me, another driver, and the spell broke. I dropped the lock. It clattered on the pavement. The guy in the Land Cruiser looked up, annoyed, and then drove away. The voices went silent for about an hour. When they came back, they just laughed at me. “Almost had a pair of balls for a minute there, Khalid. Don’t worry, we’ll try again tomorrow.”
I hate this country. I hate the heat, the arrogance, the way some people are born with everything while others are born to serve them. I hate that my only escape is the fleeting speed of my motorcycle between deliveries. The voices use that hate. They fuel it. “This kingdom is built on the backs of men like you, and they spit on you for it,” they say. “They build their towers with your sweat and wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. Why do you serve them? Why do you obey their rules? Take what you want. Hurt them. Make them feel your pain for just one minute before you end it all.” They make it sound so… reasonable. So just. Sometimes I believe them. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a fuse, burning down to the powder keg of my own rage, and when I finally explode, it will be their victory, not mine. They’re not just in my head. They are my head now.
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